Coaches: Making great athletes…former athletes

In my experience, coaches have the ability to make a huge impact on your development, both as an aspiring athlete and growth as a person. The choices made by coaches can build you up, inspire, and help you achieve another level you may have never pictured for yourself. Their choices and words also have the ability to plant seeds of doubt, ruin the relationship athletes have with their sport, and deplete what was once a perfectly capable and talented individual, leaving them timid, fearful, and uncertain in their performance. Either way, coaches never leave their athletes feeling the same way again. 

I have experienced both.

When I was 7 years old my Dad signed me up for my first golf tournament. It was at a little local Par 3 course, and I had one of those four club kids sets that only had a driver, 7-iron, wedge, and putter. I remember loving the game and even better, I won the tournament… so did everyone else. We all got participation trophies because that’s what you do when 7 year olds all shoot over 100 on a 9-hole par 3 course so no one goes home crying, but still, a win in my book. I never put a club down after that.

Heading into my Freshman year of High School, my dad encouraged me to try out for the golf team. I literally didn’t even know a golf team was a thing, I just knew I liked the game, so I tried out– I made the JV team my first year.

This was the first time I had really had a coach for the game and she set the bar high. She never tried to change my game, she only enhanced it. If I was ever struggling with some sort of block in my game, she never allowed me to doubt myself. She always gave me the tools to build a better game, but she never tried to change me as an athlete. She saw more of my potential than I did at the time, and knew what to say to me to help me bring it to life.

The last tournament of the season, I remember like it was yesterday. I was very frustrated because I couldn’t break 90. All season I kept shooting 90, 91, 92, 90, 90… it was infuriating. My coach pulled me aside during warm-ups and told me that today was my day. That the 90’s had seen enough of me. “Last round of the season Bergen. You’re a finisher. Go finish strong.” I shot 89 that round, on the 18-hole course of the same club I entered my first tournament. I was 14.

I really need to reach out to that coach and thank her for that moment. I only got to work with her that year, but her impact propelled me through the remainder of High School tournament play. She’s the reason I kept going with the sport. The following years I went on to play Varsity and took 2nd place at State, my Junior and Senior years. 

At this point in my game I remember feeling very confident and flowy. I didn’t think much about my game. I was just good. Always shooting mid to low 70’s and enjoying my summer time job at a private golf club. I was all set to play collegiate golf in the fall and then I got word that a new coach was taking over for the upcoming golf season. I was unsure who this coach was, as I had already signed on with the previous coach who I knew pretty well and was looking forward to playing for. I was blind going in and let me tell you, it stayed pretty fucking dark.

From the start, I don’t think our personalities matched very well. That, combined with the pressure of playing at a much higher level and some weird NCAA technicalities that left me unable to compete during my whole first year (this needs a whole post by itself), basically nothing was right from the start. 

After my first few practices, Coach decided my whole swing was wrong. I’m not sure if any of you have played a sport like golf, baseball, etc., but if you haven’t, telling me to swing differently, was like telling me to walk differently. Trying to change a swing after years of repetitive practice one way, was basically a nail the the forehead for my golf game. For the next full year (no exaggeration) I couldn’t hit a single shot. My game was absolute dog shit. 

That one coaching decision knocked over the first domino in a series of dominos that once was my athletic ability. I felt like I was staring at a shattered mirror, trying to remember who I was, why I was even there, and trying to piece enough of it together to get through one day at a time.

Now, keep in mind, even though I was practicing through this year, I wasn’t allowed to compete because I did not take my ACTs on a “national testing day” administered by my High School (I took them at the university the spring before) and the NCAA refused to recognize them as “valid” and deemed me “ineligible” for my whole Freshman year. It was absolute trash. So when my Sophomore year came around and I got the green light to play, I was faced with a completely new problem I never saw coming.

My entire golf game… it was gone.

I had hit so many horrible shots, shanking, chunking, blading every other shot on the range, and during practice rounds, that when it came time for tournament play, that’s all I could visualize on the course when I hit a shot. I was so in my head I couldn’t hit the ball. It was embarrassing, frustrating, and I didn’t even recognize myself. I looked like a fucking hack. 

It wasn’t till later in life that I learned there's an actual psychological condition called, “the yips” that happens to athletes. It’s a side effect of severe performance anxiety. They can’t perform even the simplest of actions that their sport requires of them, like throwing, catching, or like me, hitting a stupid white ball 50 yards straight. However, not knowing this at the time drove my self worth into the ground. I felt like I just wasn’t good enough, I just sucked, and didn’t belong on the team.

No one ever brought to my attention that there might be something psychological that was causing issues, not because I lacked the physical capabilities to perform. I’m not sure if Coach or anyone around me at the time just didn’t care, didn’t know about it, or just wasn’t paying attention to the fact that I was internally drowning. I was left with no tools to deal with any of this, and hating my sport I used to love. It was not a very empowering combo. 

In any case, I felt like I was just taking up space I didn’t belong in. Coach made me feel like a nuisance to the team, they didn’t choose me from the start, and now they were stuck with me. I was constantly being made to feel I wasn’t trying hard enough, and with that, my opportunities to travel with the team diminished and towards the end were non-existent. 

In college golf, your traveling team is made up of 5 of the top performing girls on the team. I didn’t make the traveling team ever, and when I did travel it was because the entire team went and I was allowed to play as an “individual.” Boy, if that doesn’t make you feel like you’re not a part of a team I don’t know what does.

I spent my entire Sophomore year trying to play catch up to the player I once was. I read a lot of sports psychology books and practiced my game silently but it was really hard to stay positive. Since I played a summer sport in Montana, we can’t play year round outside. Half of the time we were in an indoor facility. So fall was the window to qualify for the traveling team in the spring.

My Junior year rolled around and I felt like I was starting to get a handle on my game to the point where I didn’t feel embarrassed to say I played for a College team anymore. That fall I felt more prepared for qualifiers and played well enough to make the traveling team for the next tournament. And by playing well enough, I mean I LITERALLY scored in the top 5 on the team (this is important for this next part) to be able to travel.

Coach called me into the office after qualifiers:

Coach: “Bergen, I’m taking Stacy (name change for privacy) as our 5th player.

Me: “But… I scored better than she did.”

Coach: “Yes but she’s a Senior and has played this course before and we need her experience.”

To say I was wildly disappointed is an understatement. I knew that was it for my season. I might as well have just been the team’s club cleaner for the rest of it. I was pissed, but I did my best to be the best teammate I could be, and all while silently still trying to convince myself this was where I needed to be. I don’t ever remember there being any inspirational pep talks. I was left to unpack that alone. Nevertheless, I pressed on.

Fast forward to Senior year. My very last year of an absolute shit show of a student athlete experience. I was the most ready I had been. At this point, I really got into lifting weights and taking good care of my health. I was stronger than ever and I really wanted to finish strong, because I’m a goddamn finisher. 

This season was by far my best, performance wise, and I was trying to be really optimistic that opportunities would come my way to play. So, here I am again, preparing for the upcoming qualifying weekend, ready to work hard and earn my spot. I didn’t play perfectly, but I played well enough for the 5th spot on the travel team.

Coach brings me into the office:

Coach: “Bergen, I’m choosing to take Amy (another name change), she’s younger and I need her to gain some experience for the future success of the team.”

Me: *Starts laugh crying* 

“You literally used the exact opposite logic last year for why you didn’t take me then.”

I honestly don’t know what Coach said to me after that. I blacked out. At that point I was done. This same scenario happened one more time in the Spring season where I yet again scored better than someone else and she chose them anyways. 

As a Coach, I fully understand you need to make hard decisions for the betterment of a team, but I couldn’t justify all of these decisions in my head, and to this day I still can’t. None of it was consistent. Well, I mean, it was. All of Coach’s decisions centered around limiting as many opportunities for me as possible, and handing them to everyone else. This severely hindered my ability to gain experience in tournament play, thus stunting my athletic growth and confidence further. It’s pretty easy to make the argument that everyone else had more experience than me, when Coach made sure that was always the case. 

Tournament play is how you progress as an athlete, and when you’re the only one on the team not playing at that level, no shit everyone else will fly past you to the top. That’s a pretty tough battle to win, and I never did. I fell behind and Coach made decisions to make sure I stayed behind. 

Looking back, I can’t reason how you could watch one of your athletes struggling as badly as I did for 4 years, and not only doing nothing to help, but taking thoughtful action to exclude that athlete further from tournament experience. I’ll never understand that, but I have learned from it.

I ask myself a lot, “was it the right call to stay and struggle for all that time?” I’m not sure. I’m not sure at what point you decide to pull the plug and call it quits. Was it my pride that made me stay? Did I feel that was my only opportunity to Golf and go to school? Or did I simply not know I deserved a hell of a lot better than that? 

The thought I hung onto during that time was, “but I’m so privileged to even be here.” While that is true, not many people get to both play a sport, and achieve higher education like I did, it in no way validates that experience or makes it ok.

I don’t tell this story from the point of a victim of any kind. I tell this story to shine a light on how much responsibility falls on coaches that some clearly do not realize. While coaches can’t control many things that happen during competition, they 100% have control over the type of culture they create, and the treatment of their athletes. It is a coach’s job to recognize this and create open and equal opportunities without bias and with fairness and consistency. Full stop. 

The immense weight that a coach has on an athletes physical, but most importantly, mental development during their time with them dictates futures. Coaches have the power to make a good athlete, a great one, and a great athlete, a former one. There are so many incredible athletes that never made it far due to a coach ruining the sport for them. 

This is such a maddening thought to me because it is so avoidable! The lack of emotional intelligence needed to support and encourage promising athletes of any kind is inexcusable. To me, this is the absolute BARE MINIMUM to ask of a coach, and the fact that low bar is unmet consistently by many, is ridiculous.

I’ve talked to so many former athletes who have played at the Collegiate and High School level, who turned their back on their sport and never turned around again because of horrible coaching. Coaches being abusive, aggressive, unproductive, unreasonable, and beyond, took away what we loved about our sports and turned it into something we hated.

I didn’t touch a golf club for a few years after I graduated. Golf represented failure and disappointment to me for the longest time. Over the last few years I’ve picked it up again and I have found some of my love and fun with it, but as of right now it’s not the same game to me. Coach took that from me. I would love to play in tournaments again. I miss the competition so much, but that’s going to take a lot of work to get my head in the right space. 

The older I get, the more I try to look at that coach with compassion. Maybe Coach just didn’t have the tools to help me, and because there was no action to grow as a coach, and develop those skills, I suffered for it. Maybe I was the easiest to disappoint because I did have a “no quit” mindset and a laid back personality. Maybe Coach really just didn’t care, I was disposable, and other players were more important in their eyes. I’ll probably never know the answer, but I’ll forever carry around some dull pain of worthlessness because of how they chose to show up as a “coach.” 

Today, as a coach and trainer, I hold that feeling close to me everyday. I never want anyone I coach to live with a feeling like that. I feel a tremendous responsibility on my shoulders to show up in a big way for my people so they can have the best experience possible. I know that whether I’m training an athlete for competition, or working with the general population to just get healthier, their experience with me matters. How I show up, the care and service I provide, my level of encouragement, and advice, largely dictates their future in their physical success, but most importantly, in their relationship with themselves.

So many people never show back up to a gym because of one horrible experience. Incredible athletes quit because of bad coaching experiences. I refuse to be one of those bad experiences. My mission in life is to make all people feel valued, supported, and give them the tools and expertise to achieve as high as they want. No questions asked. 

Here’s to quality coaching and equal opportunities for all aspiring athletes.

Cheers,

B

Junior Year 2014, Collegiate Golf