Toxic Positivity

I have a friend of mine to thank for the inspiration for this Blog post. I was talking to her about some hard things I was mentally wrestling with and she told me that the key to finding my way through it was to do more things that naturally raise my vibrational energy. Not to white knuckle my way through it with toxic positivity.

Thank you Crystal.

It got me thinking about the term, toxic positivity. Those two words typically don’t go after each other, but no one has ever put it so clearly to me. I have been guilty of leaning on toxic positivity to get me through anything hard.

I’ve always tried to live life from the most positive perspective possible. I still think that is a really important asset to possess. However, the toxicity comes when you mask real feelings that are valid and need to be addressed with exaggerated positivity. It's like closing your eyes and death gripping positivity like a security blanket as your house is burning down around you and thinking that’ll save you.

“It’s fine. Everything is fine. I’m on fire, but at least the sun is out today.”

I used to think this was the most empowering way to deal with hard things. If I just ignore the fact that my feelings are crushed, that I’m in emotional and physical pain from this horrible event, I will get out unscathed. It’ll all be fine and I’ll open my eyes, happy on the other side, and better than ever. All I have to do is run as fast as I can with positivity attached to my back like a jetpack.

If I don’t call attention to the storm, does the storm even exist? The answer is a giant YES, and it has taken me with it several times. By the time I realized it, it was too late.

I have learned the hard way that living life like this leaves me waking up one day feeling extremely heavy and depressed. I simply cannot ignore bad feelings. They will keep piling up until you sit down and filter out all the crap.

I think the reason I have clung to toxic positivity all these years, is that I thought the hard things wouldn’t hang on. My positivity would catapult me into a brighter future over all the things that could hurt me if I let them touch me. If I just don’t hit the ground, I’ll keep flying.

The real humor in all of this is by not addressing my feelings head on the moment they came up, I’ve willingly hurled myself into all the pain I have been running from all these years. Turns out, it takes a lot more time to unpack all of these things the older you get. I am now 30 years old, and I’m having to take a metaphorical ice pick to the trash I have let freeze over inside of me. 

Toxic positivity fooled me into thinking I’m in control of my storm, when in reality, I am the cow flying about in the tornado stupidly thinking she grew wings.

Terrible events gift us moments where we get to decide who we will be as individuals. I now realize how many important opportunities I was given to stand on my own two feet, to be strong, and say, “I will not tolerate this, this does not feel good to me, this is not who I am,” that I instead gave a big “middle finger” to – all to avoid uncomfortability.  

As an adult, I realize the power of these moments in time, and I’m learning to step into these opportunities more, instead of running from them. 

You have to take the time to feel, to cry, to be mad, and to unpack the things that hurt you. It’s unavoidable as humans, and it’ll all wait for you, right at the doorstep of your gut until you choose to recognize it. Life demands it of us.

And trust me, it WILL wait for you.

I used to think that if I allowed myself to feel anything but good, I was letting the bad feelings win. And if I let the bad feelings win, then my identity as a positive person would suffer and I would become a lesser person.

Internal monologue:

“I’m a personal trainer. It’s my job to show up bright, encouraging, and stable for my clients. Shelve your own shit and slap a smile on. People need you to be strong.”

I’m still guilty of leaning into this, and to a certain extent, I do have to flip an “on” and “off” switch for my job so that I don’t lose sight of why I love it, and I can deliver great experiences to people. But I’m also getting better at allowing myself to take time where I need it, when I need it for my own mental health.

I think this is an important point to make, there is a time to feel, but there’s also a time to let go and be yourself, for yourself, and for others. You cannot live in only sadness, just like you can’t live in only positivity. Both are toxic.

So much of life is on a spectrum. It is not black and white. There is a time for mourning, for celebrating, for fun, for a soul deep dive. As I get older, I’m getting better at leaning into all feelings at the appropriate times.

Another reason I had for embracing toxic positivity is that I never wanted to take away from someone else’s happiness just because I’m in a bad place at the moment.

The current truth, as I see it, is that the people who love you and really support you are safe to open up to. They are in your corner for a reason, and will not take it on as their own. You do not bother or take people down by confiding in the people you are closest to you. Your people are there to support you when you’re feeling weak. They are there to remind you of your strength, goals, and the amazing person you are. Anyone who makes you feel lesser for your feelings is not anyone who needs to be in your life.

I feel like my habit for death gripping toxic positivity boils down to one word. Fear.

Fear of failure.

Fear of success.

Fear of criticism.

Fear of loss.

Fear of judgment.

Fear of what friends and family will think.

Fear of living.

Fear of not living.

Fear of better.

Fear of worse.

Fear of heartbreak.

Fear of not being good enough.

And what is at the heart of fear? Ego.

Our egos dictate how we show up. Ego can inflate our self-importance to a level that’s off-putting to others. But ego also tells us we’re not good enough. That is mine. My ego makes me self conscious of writing this blog. It’s taken me three weeks to write another one because I’m afraid to open up. That people might find this stupid, and I’m willingly putting my thoughts out there that could very well be ripped apart, and have my very existence criticized and rejected.

Fear and ego are the two things that create the most resistance in my life. My ego wants to prove my worth to everyone because I’ve had so many experiences that have made me feel worthless, and my fear tells me everyone thinks you’re an idiot. My logical brain of course knows that this is just a simple blog, that it doesn’t dictate my worth, and that a lot of people receive value out of the things I write. I’ve received several wonderful messages from so many of you expressing just that. 

Even though I have physical evidence that this is a positive thing for me to do. The “e-brake” my ego and fear pulls on me makes it hard to get out of my own head and keep pressing forward.

So here I am, with blog #4… finally. The first three came so easily, but this one was hard. It’s hard because it’s exhausting to feel. I’m unpacking really hard things through all of these blog entries, and I want them to be really good. I want them to be impactful and real. 

Letting go of toxic positivity is rewarding, necessary, but brutal all at the same time. However, I can no longer hide behind it, because it is more exhausting to pretend that you are unphased by everything than it is to just embrace the human experience and feel what you need to feel. 

When we embrace our feelings and stand up for ourselves, it decreases full blown internal destruction, and promotes a lot more thoughtful, healthy, productive action, and as my good friend Crystal put it, “raises our vibrational energy.”

This is something I wish to inspire in you. Lean in. It’s hard. It’s ugly. It’s beautiful. It’s worth it.

Best,

B